An Examination of Google Analytics: A Look at the Underbelly of the Internet

Google is an amazing tool. Not only does it direct some people to my blog, it also its serves its purpose to let me see why visitors came.

Upon a thorough examination, the reasons for the stumbles are not purely wholesome nor intentional. Many people are not looking for a good laugh, but practical help. While the number one hit for my blog i thankfully "max rampage" the number two is a distressed advice inquiry: "popping pimples." Yes, a lot of middle-schoolers are desperate for advice to the point that they scroll through streams of pages to find mine hopping that I hold the key. Other practical advice inquiries include 'how to clean a butt plug' and 'how to clean human shit off your body.'





Sorry, kids, take my advice and you're fucked up 'shit' creek, which incidentally happens to be a word that sends half as many people to Max Rampage as the word 'pimple.'

The term "Phantom shit" makes my blog appear as number four on Google. 'Drunk anal ass fuck" does not summon my tales on page one, but someone with a gourmand's certainly craving for it dug deep and found my site. Google this and notice on the bottom of the search page that Google writes a note saying that they removed a listing because of a child pornography complaint.

Too bad for those middle-schoolers on all counts.

But lucky for several more people is "clean house with butt plug." I'm number one for that term, but just what is the poor soul thinking? A butt plug is not a suitable implement to sterilize the kitchen.

Perhaps this poor retentive chap fantasizes about living in an immaculate house and the joys of little anal simulation in his freetime? Actually,I think this guy wants a butt plug that will allow him to clean the house with the anal animator in place. I'm in good company when I show up on pages like this with advertisements about 'butt plug mariners' and 'an extra long butt plug."



Two hits down from Max Rampage for this topic is a site selling 'the world's most comfortable butt plug' full of testimonials swearing just how ergonomic the product is with several satisfied customers explaining they can wear it for hours on end, free to walk around with it and even "use it at the office." One would-be customer asks "Can it be worn when you're going through security at an airport?"



And I thought I was depraved just passing some gas next to my seat companion.


More interesting and less perverted inquiries include "living a private life" where my experience with unfortunate handshakes is listing number two on Google.

While "readporn," probably the result of typographical (and thinking error as the genre is called erotica; for it is never possible to read porn. The act of textual interpretation makes the reading of pornography impossible for pornography categorically leaves nothing to the imagination) makes my blog hit number five. While number one hit for this inquiry is readporn.com.





One of my personal fav's is "hellen keller's trail and errors." The trails blazed by my deaf and blind eponym would indeed lead to some mistakes. "Bluuh turhn lef' theeeare." Which is essentially what Google does to the unwitting individual who asks "what is the white clump that came out of my pimple?" and spends three minutes on my page.




I am glad I have been to serve humanity although I let down many early teens, anal enthusiasts, and perverted pornography petitioners, because for the sole gentlemen who searched for 'how to fit morning wood in toilet' I was of great service.

Though I am happy to help my fellow man, the company I feel sorriest for is my own, curious to see if I would be on page one for 'body shitting I stumbled upon upon theshithole.com, where the byline is "our shit just keeps flowing" and makes Two Girls One Cup, Two Girls One Finger, and Four Girls One Finger Painting, look like child's play. For the love of all that is holy, I am thankfully not on this page. God bless you Google, without you, how would that acne encrusted 15-year old ever find Max Rampage and how could I have ever found Esmerald the Scat Cook? Don't go to the the theshithole.com, Mom.