During the last day many people have contacted me and have asked: "Max, how are you, friend?" And they have also asked, "Why are you voting for John McCain and Sarah Palin?"
First off, I am doing well, but need to clean my room.
Second, I feel like it is my duty to explain my vote as an influential American and political pundit.
I am a single value voter and the one thing I care about one thing more than anything else in this crucial election that will steer the course of this nation between next four to eight years to possibly forty to fifty years is abortion.
John McCain is not categorically against terminating foetuses; his running mate, American darling Sarah Palin, is.
This is also a matter of experience. Barack Obama does not have a lot of it, only a mere four years in the Senate. John McCain has more than fifty years of service in the government, some of which he serviced secretly, and yes, you can trust my sources.
McCain has so much experience, I think he is going to die in office. There is a one to four chance he is going to croak while in the White House. Look at that guy: he walks around like he has destroyed his spine from rolling at waaay too many raves, has skin cancer craters all over his face from too much time soaking up those hedonistic rays in Phuket and Ko Phangan, and has had his body subjected to Mengele-ian experimentations at the hands of the North Vietnamese.
Rest assured, he's going to kick the can way over the hill, leaving this country in the hands of one S. Palin.
She will pilot the path of this nation strongly against smishshormtions. Even our dear GW is not unequivocally against them. And who better to take the right away from a woman than a woman? Yes, you got me there, maybe a dolphin or a chimpanzee would be more apt, but neither of those are born on American soil so they are not eligible. Alas.
Right now maybe you are asking "Why? Why do you care so strongly about the right to life when you have never cared about another living, nor dead, creature in your current existence?"
Once again, the answer is simple.
I have always wanted to be a doctor, but sadly my criminal and my mental health record both make me ineligible to practice medicine. That and I am incapable of thinking scientifically. My dreams of being a doctor have been dashed by a cruel and taxing system of checks and balances, Calculus and Organic Chemistry, similar to the system of safeguards Palin will oversee when she is the Chief Commander of the Senate. And when she attains Commander in Chief, I will be able to, in the words of George W Bush be as an OB/GYN "able to practice their, their love, with women all across the country."
Accordingly, when Palin makes abortion illegal, I will be able to become a practicing doctor: Max Rampage, Back Alley Abortionist, Esq. Hopeless and un-expectant mothers-that -were-never-meant-to-be will come to me and say, "Rampage, do me up, coat hanger style" and my dreams of being a physician will come to life; it won't be fun and games anymore like finding my ferret's temperature by sticking a thermometer or Phil's toothbrush in his rectum. No, this will be real medicine, where I will administer powerful anesthesiolgy in the form of Bengay and Anbesol; use the latest equipment, wooden and plastic coat hangers; and set up a state of the art facility, a blue tarpaulin rich with the smell of zygotic discardation deep within the woods of a city park. As the economy falls to tatters with ill-informed and incompetent John McCain, I can only imagine demand for my careful and semi-sterile services will skyrocket as my prices will be rockbottom. Rest assured,ladies they'll be cheap, veeery cheap.
With great delight, I cast my vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin.
