Parties often befoul my house and it seems that I often have parties. Yet, I never get used to the mess, rather naive of me, but I imagine a world where at a party no one punches a hole in my wall, pukes brown wine retch into my toilet, leaves a tampon wrapper on the bathroom floor. At my last one, someone left me a fun never-before-seen little gift.
The next morning my bathroom simply reeked of urine, a strong biting stench of piss. I wondered how my little shitter could smell so forcefully. I peered around searching for an orange drying splotch. Instead, I found that someone had pissed into the toilet scrub brush holder, an accumulated pool of piss. Classy. After leaving it for a few hours, I emptied the contents into my shower and ran the water. Double Classy.
Some messes can be mind blowing (how can there be puke on top of the medicine cabinet?!), but after this party, with the exception the piss in the scrub brush holder, nothing too wretched happened, until I went to put the dishes away.
In the dishwasher, I spied a stray fork that had fallen down and had slipped into the back and onto the drain. I looked harder seeing somethign else in there as well, something white, curiously phallic with little curved pieces coming from the end, I narrowed my eyes refocusing on the white on white. Ah, of course: a butt plug.
Yes, this was the butt plug gifted to me by Eli D. Stevens. I remembered putting it in the dishwasher to give it a through cleansing, jokingly of course, in April. I was not actually going to bring Eli's used anal accoutrement into my bedroom so when the prostate prodder disappeared I thought that Eli had taken it back. Good riddance. I questioned him about its whereabouts, disliking an Indian Giver, even more than a second hand sex toy (contrary to popular belief, a butt plug is not for sealing the ass shut, that's a tampion, related to French word from which tampon derives), and Eli plead ignorance. I left it at that, not knowing the event that transpired that night would soon completely eclipse the bizzareness of being given Eli's favorite dildo. "Max, it even has a perineum attachment."
There it was. It had fallen on to the drain on April 13th. I found it July 13th. The butt plug had been in my dishwasher being run with load after load of dishes for three months to the day. With three loads of dishes, glasses, pots and pans, utensils, and cutlery, a week, the butt plug had been washed with my eating equipment nearly 40 times. Viral particles, fecal bacteria, the feces themselves, and the blood of Eli D. Stevens had been vaporized, sloshed about, and soaked on to every piece that had been in the wash machine, everything single thing that I had eaten off of and anyone else who has ever had a drink or an eat at my house.
Triple classy.
At least that butt plug is super clean.
